Now that I’m the father of a five year old boy who’s black I’ve been asked some amazing questions about my current situation and all of them are meant to be serious questions and as a result the person asking was expecting a serious answer. This is not a joke, this really happened.

Here’s a few examples and my responses:

(after a black friend of mine learned of my son’s cultural background) Oh those kids from there are the worse! Why did you pick one of them? You’re an idiot. Why would you say something like? He’s amazing, end of story.

Now that you’re the father of a black child is it okay for you to use the word nigger and not be viewed as a racist? NO!! (hard stare until I get the apology)

Do you feel you now have more in common with black people because your son is black? My son is black, not me. However whenever I’m away doing gigs and I see black children I miss him more than usual. Consequently I’ve learned not to stare too long so no one gets freaked out. Also anytime I see or read of blatant racism towards anyone my heart sinks and I hope I can prepare him for the time when it could happen to him and to realize he’s better than those spewing hate.

He’s a big strong boy, I’ll bet you’re looking forward to him getting into sports and becoming a professional, eh? What?! I plan to make available to him as many opportunities as possible starting with getting a university education which I’ll sell a kidney to make happen if I have to.

You ride motorcycles, are you going to let him ride one day? Yes and I’m building him a bike for when that day comes.

As an American do you have any guns back home? Yes and they’re all locked up. Are you going to let him shoot any of them? Once he’s old enough and had the proper teaching about the safety you need to practice when around any gun yes. (now it’s my turn to get hard stares from my white middle class British friends)

Now that you have a black kid in the house have you hidden all the silver? (this was meant as a joke but I didn’t laugh) Fuck you. I hid it all when I heard you were coming by.

I’ll bet you really hate racists now, eh? I’ve always hated racists. I’ve even been threatened by neo Nazis years ago when I first started doing comedy.

Do you regret any of it? No and I was quite worried I would but that all went away when he became part of my life. When I see him look at me with hope and love in his eyes all I want to do is protect him anyway I can and when the time comes I can’t be there I hope he sees the world with compassion and hope. And when he’s riding the motorcycle I built to always wear his helmet!